Bits&pieces
by rubedi
Summary: Small facets of their lives. Not comic cannon, some of character studies, some scenes that jumped in my mind. Rated for themes, language and chapters to be. All cast. The short summary of all chapters is in first one. Marked as complete, but maybe new parts will be added
1. The soundtrack

**Small bits and pieces of their life. Just putting here some creative writing parts. The quality is not the best - it seems that I cant get my sentences to work in English. Sorry.**

**1. chapter** - Thank god Clint is too busy with leveling out and have not figured yet the Starks obsession with playlists.

**2. chapter** – Her own body, always obeying every wish and complying with most demanding parts of her job, has gone rogue and turned against Natasha.

**3. chapter** – For an old spy, Fury this time failed like total newbie or he decided that identities of his assets are acceptable sacrifice. Fallout from NY.

**4. chapter** - Natasha makes a list of ten most crazy or simply wrong ideas that fans and haters have about her.

**5-6 chapters** – How the stalemate turned in to another call. Hint – it took some arrows and threatening with torture.

**7. chapter** – The widows bite is not just bracelets. Too bad it took biting her partner for SHIELD to figure that one out.

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There are always some kind of music in training area unless you specifically ask Jarvis to mute every sound. So, used to constant soundtrack, Natasha at beginning even do not notice that the songs are not random until one day she almost looses composure when realizing that when Clint does his shooting routine, there often are Lord of the Rings soundtrack or that cheesy song from Robin Hood. After that she starts to listen.

For her routine there is eclectical mix of electronic, clasical and golden hits music with song about red nosed reindeer in the midle. That song seems so out of context that hearing it first time, she throws dagger to dummy aproximately second later then planned. Running some scenarios in her mind she comes with most likely solution – Tony has googled music with "red" in name or lyrics and thrown randomly in. Red nosed bastard has just skipped in along with Woman in red and Red Red Wine. It is so silly that eversince hearing that song makes her smile. Stupid idiot bilionaire playboy genius I-dont-doublecheck-google-results.

It would be interesting to see what soundtrack Stark has procured for others, she muses. I bet Captain got some from his patriotic youth, Natasha thinks giving up on figuring out Banners or even less Hulks playlists. Sooner or later she will hear them.

Two weeks after starting to live in Starks tower, they finaly feel ready to spar together. Still slightly carefull, testing each other injuries and unwillingly seeking for tint of sky blue in Clint's eyes they spar until they fall in old routine of knowing each others moves, tricks and weakneses. It is brutal, animalistic and they both will most likely need an extra generous servings of invisible wound patching gel but inside they are happy as teenagers in last day of school before summer break. They both missed their best sparring partner and it is reassuring thought that they can beat shit out of each other for fun, not because some god is playing with them. Tony has also chosen soundtrack well, it has good beat, lyrics are not obscene or insulting and Natasha even considers thanking Stark and asking Jarvis to use it for her sessions.

Another month later Stark is again harassing Captain America with "cultural adaptation" - name Tony uses to shamelesly whack decent and old fashioned superhero with anything from popculture that could confuse, embarrass or disgust. This time Tonys choice is quite tame and she even joins the group watching movie in big living room. Natasha and Clint takes the best point in room what happens to be bar stools in back of room and play "How many times in real life hero has died or failed mission". Tonys movie of choice tonight "Mr&Ms Smith" are perfect for this – they actually have more fun pointing out idiocies then from actual plot.

It is the figt scene in kithcen that puts Tonys life in grave danger. Thank god Clint is too busy with leveling out and have not figured yet the bilionaires obsession with playlists. Things between them are enough awkward and confusing without sharing the knowledge that flying Campbell tomato soup has choosen as their sparring motive the song under wich two married superagents beat each other to pulp to spit on orders and leap in each others arms later. So she again laughs on idiocy of deploying robot just to throw grenade while imagining how good it would sound to whack Tony Starks knees with crowbar.

Still she do not ask Jarvis to change the song.


	2. Maybe on other side

Somehow she feels betrayed. Her own body, always obeying her every wish and complying with most demanding parts of her job, has gone rogue and turned against Natasha. She knows herself well, most of somatic reactions and actions for her are something she is always aware and able to control, now she looks to herself in mirror and she is in body that Natasha has no idea how to handle, cells, hormones, chemistry working inside her, beyond her control and even understanding.

Because in the end of the day this is impossible. The helth check when she arrived in SHIELD confirmed what she suspected – the Black widows are made to take life, not give life. Some chemical imbalance that none could tell if it was side effect or Red room intention. She believes it is side effect – abortions are easy to get and would allow butchers in labcoats to get hands on some premium genetic material.

When finding out about her infertility, in some twisted way Natasha even grieved. Not that she saw herself as mother and honestly having kids scared her, and not worrying what contraception hormonal injection gonna mess around with was awesome... But still it had hurt a lot to face the reality of even not having a choice. Not to mention the digging through debris of her mind to figure out why it hurt at all and how to seal shut this breach so none can use it against her. Then Natasha picked herself apart and put back together, unnoticed under heavy watch of still weary SHIELD. Just to come undone eight years later when her body unmistakenly signalizes about changes she cannot place at first but then sudden stereotypical carving for pickled cucumbers like ones in Russia makes answer hit her head like full speed train.

Why I feel so happy? Natasha, following old red room protocols, starts self analysis routine with question that stands out the most for her. Once she has replies and understanding, maybe, Natasha cannot help to hope, maybe she will emerge whole again and still wanting to have this child.


	3. Coming out

For an old spy, Fury this time failed like total newbie, Natasha thinks. After NY Avengers are celebrities. Natasha really wonders if Fury has lived in controled Helicarrier too long to remember that everyone out in real life has phone connected to internet and camera on it. Or if Fury decided that identities are acceptable sacrifice.

Neglect or sacrifice, but week after attack all their identities are out. Everyone is in frenzy about Ironman and Tony basks in it. Everything about him is already out, so Stark just smiles and makes fun about rest of avengers and dive in his worldwide fame. Just because Natasha is trained to see even slightest twitches and breaches in armors, she notices how calculated Starks abuse of fame is and how well they with Pepper work to utilize every last bit of advantage Tony's fame can give them. "Genius in this too," she laughs to herself, woving to keep in mind his uncanning ability to manipulate crowds.

On other hand, the return of Captain America is slightly more subtle. It makes an impact, sure about that, but Steve is just too normal to stand out for public in this merry band of superheroes. Steve gets some phonecalls and at next day already are away. He goes to visit some veterans he fought together with. Natasha could bet one of her Widow bites that this will become constant part of Steves life – visiting WWII vets and trying to do impossible – improving their morals, helping them, while not making them hate Captain for still beeing young and strong, while they are old and frail. This is expected part, but rest fazes Natasha. For her life, she could not have immagined that Steve will become the poster boy for young and techy. Tony makes fun of Captain America explaining that hipsters are known to have an unhealthy apreaciation for anything that went out of the fashion few decades ago, but Natasha sees that he slighty envies it.

The most problematic is Bruce. Despite the fact that without him Loki and chitauri would have whipped the floor with saviours-to-be, the loudest is discussion if government have to incarcinerate Hulk as risk to society. Pepper pulls some strings, Fury dashes out some of his patented stares and she herself allows some sleazy burocrats to grope her while spewing out the plans for their iminent glory. The conclusion is troubling – most of worlds military organizations are peeing in pants just from idea of hulk – unbeatable supersoldier, not burdened by too strong personality, emotions or intelect. They are wrong, but none of avengers feel like giving them Bruce to figure out that Hulk is not simply strong easy controlable green guy. So they cash in some debts, make few new, throw some threats and suddenly the voices calling for Hulks imprisonment hushes.

Most fun is Thor. The world go nuts over Thor or to be more precise, all worlds nuts go over Thor. Tony is having a field day with all emerging churches of acient Norse gods and clinicaly crazy people who are Thor's groupies now. There are letters asking Thor to present himself to their churchs, offering percentage from church income and many other benefits just to come over as a god. Natasha is not surprised – believing Thor and norse pantheon is just logic when you see blonde with Mjolnir with your own eyes. Thor's skitzophrenic groupies are good source of fun till they all are hit by reality when Avengers barely save 17 year old homeless girl who newcooked vikings are about to burn in car, along with their leader who lost bar fight days before in some perverted recreation of norse burial.

Somewhere in third day their hopes that Natasha and Clint both were overlooked in chaoss withers and dies. Her ID goes first – she spent too much time next to Captain America to escape cameras aimed to him. What surprises her is the speed in wich the internet gets full with info about her. And good deal of speculation. Natasha doesnt feel too good seeing her pictures all over place, it goes against everything she has worked all her lifetime to achieve, not to mention the horde of disapointed business partners who now know exactly where to send their complaints. Yet, her training kicks in and for Black widow only thing you are unable to bounce back from is death. Rest, including world wide fame, are mere obstacles.

About same time some high quality videos of Hawkeye shooting appear on youtube and after few hours of internet going crazy over "what he is", Clints ID is out too. He doesnt show, but he is more affected by it then she. For Black widow it is more myths, legends and tales. For Clint it is painfull past of betrayal, mistakes and regrets aired out for everyone to see. She sees his face after some producer manages to weasel in a call and ask Clint if he is willing to come over to his talk show to tell his story about beeing betrayed and redeeming himself. Hawk do not honor the guy with reply, simply hangs the phone and spends next hours in range, destroying innocent targets. Later she gets the record of call and after hearing the producer promising that on show there will be the best shrinks that will help to get in his mind, Natasha pays social visit to entertainment industry star. Thank god, the guy likes to have his manly pride attached to him and believes that Black widow are capable to find him or any of his coleagues everywhere, so nothing like this repeats ever again.


	4. List of falses

Everyone knows everything about every avenger. They have fan clubs, forums, newsgroups, facebook groups, thumblrs, parody twitters and things they do not show to Captain America. Not because he could not handle it, but because they are a bit ashamed about world and people they work so hard to save.

One day after reading another article "10 things you didnt knew about every avenger!" Natasha makes a list of ten most crazy or simply wrong ideas that fans and haters have about her. She even writes it down and considers sharing it with rest of the team. At least edited version of it.

**1. Black Widow is born in 1928.**

She is thirtylittlesomething not almost hundred. Natasha don't understand why none realizes that Black Widow do not reference just to her, its code name for every Red Room creation and so it happens that first Black Widow graduated Red Room at 1928. She even knows what happened to the girl – she was undercover in Berlin and red army didn't waste time to figure why blonde beauty speaks fluent russian... And against crowbar there is no trick, Natasha thinks, remembering the gruesome pictures of what remained from first Black widow.

**2. Black Widows childhood was spent in hunger and overall poor misery.**

This one gets Natasha always cynical. It is soo typical for americans to assume that their powery is how soviet people lived their lifes. The die-from-hunger, no-winter-clothes-to-wear powerty is thing from capitalist world. By the time she was born, dying from hunger was tale about times of wars about begginings of soviet union, told in kitchen. Sure, there were no fancy, ready to eat stuff, clothes were terrible qaulity and disgusting design, but it served purpose. With free market and capitalism, for some come crippling powerty, but red room owners have exportable goods and widows work well enough all over the world to bring in currency, so deuchemarks and dollars keep them all well fed and clothed. That doesnt mean Natasha can not handle starvation and other limitations. Her training is thorough and well planned, she has gone through all that, but as part of training, never because money was lacking.

**3. Black Widow is programmed patriotic, to love mother Russia.**

Natasha suspects that this is reason why she threw off programming so relatively easy – in last years of Soviet union when she was trained her masters ran the Red Room to own benefit, training assasins and renting them out to anyone able to pay. You can not programm girls to assasinate anyone they are ordered to and programm blind loyalty to country at same time, so doctors tuned the programming, downplaying the loyalty to Russia. When Natasha read the file about changes made, she cannot help to laugh about her tormentors so used to play with minds to fit their need, that they didnt realized a patriotism as key element in keeping widows obedient. Well the joke is on them, she thinks after last of scientists is hunted down and fire are eating away Red Room archive so Natasha stays last Black Widow generation.

**4. Black widow uses superglue or double sided tape to hold her suit.**

Really? Do you think someone hanging around with technical genius and working for most technicaly advanced organization on earth need that? Think twice.

**5. The guilty pleasure of Black Widow is long hot shower.**

Natasha would like to look in the eyes of one who invented this and ask about underlying logic. Why would anyone think that a girl raised in glorified orphanage where you shower together with 20 girls under water always either too hot or too cold would love shower? Shower is fast, efficient and accessable, sure, but luxury? Hot bath with bubbles, salts or essence oils are luxury; an hour spent soaking in fortified bathroom, so you dont have to worry about attack is luxury; reading a book while in bathtub is luxury; having edge of bath where to put the gun is luxury, not damn shower, fledging your face with water.

**6. Black widow feels no emotions.**

First of all it is impossible – the person without emotions would be unable to blend in society and function in usefull way. (Yes, they tried it in Red Room, and kept records of their failures too). Second – she feels emotions alright. What she has is control. For most emotions you can either allow yourself to dwell in to them or force them away to deal with later or store them as weapons. Few emotions you cannot get to obey, you learn to hide, and hide perfectly. Otherwise you dont survive Red Room. In SHIELD she doesnt have to be afraid from the programming maintenance that is killing someone Black Widow has emotional ties to. But ingrained need to hide attachment do not go away that easy, so the tale about Black widow without feelings is widely spread even in SHIELD.

**7. Black Widow can drink anyone under the table.**

Ooooook, she can pull out look of beeing relatively sober when men twice her size are crawling. But laws of physics are not cancelled, she is small framed and just her legacy from Red Room allows her to be drunk as hell and act like she is not even tipsy. Enhancments and chemical changes allows her escape hungover, that is true. But still there is just few times in her life she has drunk more then a drink or two – no matter how sober you look, wasted you are easy picking and Natasha is never easy picking.

**8. Black Widow drinks only vodka and her favorite food are caviar.**

Sure, Natasha is an embodiement of stereotypical hollywood russian. Mojito and grilled shrimps, by the way. She still remembers her first mission in London. She has forgotten face of mark, but still remembers grilled tiger shrimps with vedge of lemon he gave her. And her first mojito in Berlin, with beautifull Diane whose hands later when they have sex, taste like lime and peppermint, taste that still lingers with Natasha when she boards plane to Moscow, Dianes research in viral theraphy secure in her purse.

**9. Black widow have never/is unable to feel satisfaction in sex.**

For her life, Natasha cannot figure where this one came from. Maybe need to somehow counter her ability to use sexuality as tool? Still, the notion is alive and popular and false and honestly – idiotic. Red Room specialists are evil sick bastards, but they are smart evil sick bastards so they would never allow their property to use tool they are unfamiliar with. Each of the widows have experienced the mind blowing fucking, where all their senses are beeing worked, lingering on blade over abyss of pleasure to be pardoned or punished, both options equality desirable. They have made love with sweet nothings in their ears, they have had visceral punishing fight for dominance and pleasure. Sick evil bastards cannot risk anyone unhinging their precious daughters with well performed cunilingus, so they learn to receive pleasure too. And to kill ones bringing them to highest peaks.

**10. She sleeps with every member of Avengers. And Pepper. And Fury. And Maria Hill. And Coulson.**

Natasha suspects that the source of this rumor is twofold – as only female member of Avengers, she is natural choice of troubled minds out there. And she has said no to enough recruits of SHIELD, sometimes using quite convincing methods, to create some bad blood here. Fact that one of specially persistent suitors got four years assignment in Arctica, organized by orders of Fury didnt helped. Nor helped the sudden firewall and unbeatable parental control on strongest settings, courtesy of Maria Hill, for an idiot who tried to post in youtube videos of Natasha in sport bra and shorts working out. Not helpful was Coulsons revenge to Natashas partners who used operations to coop a feel – for quite a time their next ops involved working in cleanup team and scraping off any traces of DNA in worst corners of planet. The arrow that sudden gush of wind threw off course and right in to the buttock of agent who while cover op pinched Natashas butt so strong that she had a bruise there was beyond not helping to keep rumors in check. Way beyond helping, right in to lets blow fires higher...Dumbasses do not realize they do this so I dont kill any of the idiots, she thinks, in some small corner of mind addmiting that in beginning it indeed inspired her to fight urge to kill bastards, rather to find a creative ways to punish offenders.


	5. Another call 1 of 2

They have reached stalemate, where no side could easily get what they desire. Of course, tied, wounded and unarmed, her situation is worse, but to her captors she is like luggage without handle – impossible to carry, unproductive just to trow away.

They already tried to get her talk. Middle aged man in suit kept asking her idiotic questions. Like "Where is your master?" Rotting in nameless river, next to nameless secret town deep in Siberia, she is tempted to reply, but that would be giving information, so she stays silent. "How are you supposed to report about mission?" "Where is the rest black widows?" "Who from government oversees the program?" The questions are good source of information, so she listens and makes conclusions. Whoever managed to find out about her enough to put sniper on way, turns out to be pathetically uninformed. They still believe that black widow program is up and running and that she is their crown jewel. Good luck hunting ghosts, Natasha thinks, remembering the red glow of fire she saw over tundra when leaving after burning down Red room. As long as she is alive, no one will resurrect that monstrosity. The balding man looks to wall with desperation in his face. Cameras or joined room, Black widow thinks, "And now the team of experts are preparing the scenario to get me talk, not realizing someone knows what they look for and play them too"

She already tried to escape. Twice. First time she tricked young medic in getting close to check wounds on her hip, then used her legs to render poor fool unconscious and borrowed his pen to open handcuffs. After that her luck runs out, she gets tasered right outside cell. Glad that for some reason she didn't killed poor doctor, Natasha draws conclusion that whoever is running this show are aware of her ability to manipulate and monitors closely whenever someone is in her cell. From what she saw while dragged inside, there is not enough staff for truly thorough monitoring, so next time she will try in better time. Lonelier time.

Then they pumped her with some fancy chemical cocktail, that, Natasha guesses, was truth serum on steroids. She vomits until nothing is left, then just crawls in corner and dry heaves while her altered chemical balance battles injected drugs. When conscience slips she cannot help to appreciate irony that one of most dangerous assassins will die from simple drug incompatibility.

Second escape attempt is full improvisation. After loosing conscience, Natasha wakes in infirmary with IV dripping saline. She is tied to bed and doctors are careful to not give her an opening, but the place is meant to mend friendly patients so it cannot be as secure as cell by default. Her opening comes in early morning when the light already is out and people loose alert reserved for darkness. To get out of ties, Black widow dislocates both thumbs and sharp sides of plastic brazes her hands, but that is small price for freedom. Then she snatches coat, sweatpants and white doctors slippers from locker in adjacent shower room.

The glum daylights make everyone look like zombie so her unhealthy state do not betray her while she politely nods to people passing by. She even earns some appreciative glances. Ten minutes later there is a guard resting in female bathroom while his gun is securely tucked under white lab coat. Feeling whole again, Natasha allows small shiver of pleasure feeling cold steel against her naked skin. It all goes to hell in hall right before exit. The guards at post picks up phone and immediately starts to scan area. Someone must have found her empty bed and rang alarm. Her hand slips after gun and Black widow is ready to shoot her way out as soon as guards notice that she is the one they seek.

Excruciating pain hits her palm and force of impact trows her on the floor, soon followed by another hit of hot pain in her leg right below knee. Attempts to stand up are unsuccessful, the arrow has pinned her to floor, the gun kicked few meters away. The fact that she was hit by arrow... composite, techy, modern looking, but still arrow Black widow files away for later analysis. For now it will be enough task to pull them out while mystery archer is approaching. Looks like the rest are more afraid from her then from whatever punishment they will face for letting her go and keep their distance.

With one hand free, she lacks the power needed to dislodge the arrow from floor, so holding deep breath Natasha yanks right hand free over the index feather, coloring it bright red. Silent thud marks third arrow landing right in front of her. This one has advanced tip and small red light indicator, all her instincts mark it as explosive. There is no way she will run fast enough to avoid it, but no immediate explosion follow. She scans area for an archer, while hands try to pry loose second arrow. The archer is closer then she expected and his hands are playing with part of bow that shines awful lot same color as the explosive on arrow.

The message is loud and clear, so her hand stop pulling an arrow pinning her leg.


	6. Another call 2 of 2

After doctors left, the archer is only one with her in infirmary. In other situation she would feel confident about chances of getting out, but something about all this debacle makes her uneasy. He has almost no weapons, disadvantage for her, because weapon would make things easier if your palm and leg is shot.

"As far as I see," suddenly the archer says, "we are in a bit of stalemate."

Natasha looks to him estimating. That guy has army written all over, from stance to short hair. But the rest of this place do not smell like army. And the guys weapon of choice is as unarmy as it gets, no one runs around with bow in army. His clothes looks like uniform, tho. Black, well worn, his size and she can bet her last salary, reinforced in ways public science have no idea about.

The archer looks to her, intense and estimating. "The psych team said you are messing with them and there is no way you will willingly disclose what we need to know. Inbreed loyalty to Russia, mental conditioning plus extended psych endurance trainings"

Natasha is actually surprised. Usually they need more time to figure that out. And the wording too much reminds the red room terminology and she cannot help but wonder what documents she missed and if her captors are aware about changes her handlers introduced when black widow program ceased to be government and become private forge of assassins for hire.

His interest spikes and the gaze turns even more intense so Natasha mentaly slaps herself for letting some emotions seep through mental blocks and manifest themselves. This is not drug lord who is questioning weak and pathetic lover of his rival.

"The lab in one voice agrees that they will more likely kill you then conjure anything that will work on you." the archer continues "but I have an orders. They include getting you to talk, so, we are left with two options"

Natasha can calculate both options and suddenly it strikes her that there is serious chance that she will never leave this place alive or not wishing for immediate death as relief.

"There is torture. Since pain is your friend" he shoots a look to bandaged hand "the torture will have to become creative and... permanent."

She is chilled to the bone. Not by treats, it isn't first time she is under risk of loosing limb, sense or skin on face. What scares her like little girl is the way how those treats are delivered, efficiently, with a pause for her to contemplate. Her captor knows there is no need for embellished stories of what he will do and how he can damage her permanently. He knows there is no need to waste time in voicing what she sees in her head.

Natasha would rather die then allow that to happen and only mean of dying is her torturer to be. There will be just one chance to get him act and all her training is worthless if Natasha cannot read ex-army sniper well enough to make his self preservation instincts to kick in.

While he watches her, intense and letting the fear whirl around, she estimates him, way more subtle. His knee hurts and Natasha cannot help to smile inside realizing where her kick landed when they took her in abandoned street of Sverdlovsk. He holds his hands in a way that would allow him to withdraw them in any moment. She has seen people with same awareness towards their palms. Pianists. Archers. Berries from same field, Natasha thinks and the plan starts to form. Go for his right hand, don't lower or duck head when left hand grabs you by throat, don't break free, start breaking the right palm in deadly grip so crushing her trachea are only way to release his precious palm, don't fight darkness.

"Or you could just tell us how to wipe from earth's face red room and come to work for good guys" archer says nonchalantly, like listing new ways of torture.

Natasha cannot help herself to look in his eyes, openly seeking the signs of madness. "ты что с дуба рухнул?"* slips from her lips before Widow regains composure.

"Nope, I did not fell from an oak tree. And don't have concussion if that is what you imply. I am sure we can use your talents and you could benefit from some.. community service" the archers voice are calm and even slightly entertained.

Since alternative is crushed trachea, Natasha starts to consider offer as an option. Temporary option.

It takes four years for her to dig out the records of her recruitment and find out that the offer was not sanctioned and full order was "extract info, kill source". At least this time the creditor is not dead face in her nightmares.

_Have you fallen from oak tree?_ - direct translation. Meaning - are you nuts?


	7. The widows bite

This is like her first year at SHIELD. The whispers when she walks through helicarrier, the predatory glances from R&D white coats, Starks sick jokes and Captain America feebly trying to comfort her. Honestly, the last is the worst.

If she wouldn't be so pissed to herself, she would punch Steve in face, but as a penance she lets him hover.

"You could not know that your bite is poisonous," Cap repeats for hundredth time.

She do not spare him glance. If your codename is Black Widow what happens to be also venomous spider, plus you are product of bioengineering how safe it is to assume that your bite is also poisonous? Now it seems so obvious that Natasha cannot help the urge to break in SHIELD medical bay and kill every doctor who evaluated her when she came over.

If for doctors lack of sick fantasy are forgivable, for her it isn't.

"I am sure, Hawkeye will get through this, he is a warrior"

"Rodgers, I need some time alone, ok?" Natasha stares him down, forcing to obey and leave her. Because really, other option is knife in kidney. He seems to get the message. And she has a visit to make.

"Hi"

He do not reply, just smile to let know that her entrance is noticed and appreciated. It takes some of her professional skills to keep her from vomiting or wailing or just putting a bullet between his eyes to end the misery. The arm is double the size, thank god it is covered with white cloth, but it is enough to see the lilac fingers and evil streaks of darkness following the blood weasels trying to overtake all his body. The smell is unbearable, sweet and nauseating despite best ventilation they can provide.

"Tony and Bruce figured how to stop it, but it will take some time to generate enough antidote" she admits diverting eyes from his. "Soon."

None of them mentions that he might not have enough time to wait for that soon. And the antidote will not help his ravaged body to mend, just stop further destruction. Both think about that.

"I am sorry I didn't came sooner. Was working as a lab rat, bitting left and right," she lies. Truth is that after they figured out that Clints disease comes from her bite during their fight in helicarrier and are not parting gift from Loki, she hid in lab, mindlessly doing whatever asked just to avoid coming over to infirmary.

"In last two days I have bitten more things than in my previous life together," she tries to lighten the mood. "there were no volunteers to be bitten so Bruce even warmed up pork shoulder to human temperature and I had to bite that. In case if the temperature and feeling of flesh was what cause poison to appear."

in his eyes there is slight disgust and laughter imagining infamous Black widow chewing on warmed up bacon while guys in lab coats watch. She forces herself to take his right hand – normal sized but laced with black patterns of death.

"they figured what causes the poison to appear – apparently I have to wish to kill the person I am bitting. And bite hard enough, nibble will not work. Then whoever I bit is dead 12 hours later."

"Why?" Clints voice are muffled as the toxins have worked their way to his throat too.

But she understands the question. "Why after three days in hell I am still alive?"

"Don't know. Fluke? The changes they made are degenerating? The wish wasn't strong enough? Some of SHIELDS special additives are working as antidote? Your guess is as good as mine."

Really, maybe the cocktail SHIELD uses after the ops to flush operatives worked on her bite too. It would be stupid from SHIELD medics to not count with human bites if their patients often have to smash teeth with their hands.

She is thankful for that, whatever the reason. They are not yet out of the woods but when she got message about antidote it was first ray of hope since the moment when Clint refused amputation of his left hand in order to not allow toxins to spread. Starks promises to make bionic one, even better then real didn't changed his mind. And now black lace covers him, like shroud.

It is him and it is her and they always are in their shit together, even if shit is him dying from her bite. Natasha raids room next doors and pulls another hospital bed next to Clints.

"You hog all blanket, so I'll have own bed," her smile is fragile, like first ice on river.

"I wish I bit Loki" Natasha admits.

She sings him songs in russian, the ones she never remembers learning from someone, filled with love, sorrow and fate until he slips in peaceful sleep. Long forgotten silenced phone flashes LED light in her coat pocket trying to inform anyone about new message.


	8. On softness, Pepper edition

_Because no way in hell they just all become friends without at least once chewing on each other. There are too many personalities for that. And because Pepper are bad-ass :D_

* * *

"There is a thing about softness," Pepper looks to Natasha with face so calm, that despite all her training Natasha starts to feel uneasy and hand reaches after knife.

It is Natashas fault, really, she admits to herself. Comment on how Black widow would never lower herself to life of mere woman, soft and decorative assistant is regretted as soon as it leaves her lips.

"and decorations," Pepper continues, hands tangling her vintage Hermes scarve, under kitchen lights its color matching dried blood. Taking pause, like in best dramatic speech trainers suggest for maximum influence to audience, Pepper gently rolls scarve in her hands in hypnotizing rhythm.

"Is that being soft and decorative are weakness just if you do not know methods to use it" Pepper finishes, pushing the heap of shawl towards Natasha.

"Keep it," blonde says with soft and friendly smile. "As a gift. It suits you better anyway. And keep cold away, while you sit on roof asking yourself what did you tried to prove with that comment. And to whom."

Just after Peppers elevator has counted floors till 47th where the board meeting room is, Natasha picks up blood colored silk shawl with two platinum bracelets tied in corners. Garrote.


	9. Moral compass is spinning

**_ The story about Pavlik Morozov has always deeply disgusted me with the spinning moral compass, same defect that whole red room premise has. _**

* * *

When you sit in tent over Baikal highway for 12 days waiting for one car, the mental hygiene is as necessary as physical one. While their mark gather courage to try cross the bottleneck they are guarding, they talk.

Clint tells her embarrassing stories about SHIELD agents, they shamelessly rumor about Fury and weather Hill will get assistants position she is plotting so hard to get. They even place bet if Hill was behind stray bullet that sent previous administrative assistant in long time ago deserved retirement with family (Clint says it was, Natasha says it wasn't. Natasha thinks it is Fury behind that that bullet).

Just to keep mind sharp, they each come up with scenario how to bring down helicarrier and later mercilessly pick apart weak spots of others scenarios. Then they invade White house, Kremlin, each others safe houses (ones they know about), throw together plan of becoming monarchs of small european country (the fact that is manageable plan and honestly, easier then half of the SHIELD missions is scary).

All surprise blows come unseen (otherwise it would not be surprise blow, right?), so Clints question what she plans to do when retired makes her choke on thin air. He still has no clue about her true face.

This partnership they have, Natasha likes it. They are efficient, the work is easier and honestly, the lethal result risk is at least 27% lover then without others support. If Barton would understand that she is molded to do this and not meant to have anything apart mission at hand, the failure and lethal result risk would lower even more, so she takes moment to figure how to explain how truly beyond broken she is.

"You know, in soviet Russia there is a myth. It comes from government, an attempt to impart new moral code on population. It goes like this."

Eyes on road, looking for black Niva the target is driving, she tells.

"In a small village deep in Russia, there were Morozovi family – mom, dad and their son, Pavlik Morozov. The communism came, the kolhoz started and Morozovi joined collective farming. The first winter was harsh and famine was on the doorstep, but government gathered whatever everyone had at home with promise to spread it honestly."

Natasha looks to Clint and raises eyebrow in telltale sign what she thinks about that promise.

"Not trusting communist government, Pavliks dad hid the bags with grain what he would need as seed next spring. Being good little communist to be, Pavlik Morozov went to party representative and denounced his father. The grain was taken and Pavliks father was shot because that is what you get for working against communism. Then at night partisans came from forest, where they were hiding from punishment for not joining collective farming soon enough, and shoot Pavlik to death as traitor. Soviet child martyr and hero was born."

She laughs, while Clint tries to figure out if she is making this up.

"You can look it up, Barton and don't give me that look, I am not bullshiting you. This story has many variations, but the idea is same – people who engineered me, also had elementary schools named after 12 year old boy who knowingly condemned his father to death for trying to save his family from famine next year."

There is a file of cars coming their way so they pause to evaluate, but the story still lingers between them.

"And you know what is the scarriest? Soviet people tell this story in that special way how they speak about everything that has double meaning. Everyone knows that Pavlik was little piece of shit and in this case roots for partisans from forest."

Natasha continues when they are sure that cars are just local businessmen out to drink and hunt. There is still a point she has to make.

"Except for black widows. We are pavlik morozov, molded and polished to hold loyalty to cause above any other ties, ready and willing to betray anything if it obscures idea we work for."

Eyes glued to monitor, she speaks

"My idelogical conditioning is muddled, but it took me 3 years off red room meds and explanation on fingers before I understood that being called Pavlik Morozov isnt a compliment. I am not sure if I am able to make ethical distinctions at all. And that means I have no life outside strict rules and boundries without becoming what I was – efficient murderer without moral compass."

Before he can say something, there is new line of cars and this time it is their target, so they leave conversation as it is, to pick it up years later when they have to decide if they are fit to make decisions as avengers.


End file.
